


The Beginning of the End

by Eowyn (eowynsmusings)



Series: Snapshots [5]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: AU, Angst, M/M, POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-01
Updated: 2013-05-01
Packaged: 2017-12-10 02:46:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/780872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eowynsmusings/pseuds/Eowyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When things get rough for Brian, Justin will always be there for him...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Beginning of the End

**Author's Note:**

> Set during 3.04. More AU-ness enters the series as I write it, so here are the new changes made: since Justin swapped his shifts at the diner, he didn't hear John tell Brian about the arcade he goes to after school, but instead Deb did. Oh, and if you were wondering what became of the "steroid" and "new baby" plot lines, both will be resolved in future ficlets (right now it looks like they'll be addressed two ficlets from now *smiles*).

What the fuck was Emmett trying to tell me with the _CD from Hell_? That I'm a total shit who had everything he could wish for – except for the words I thought I needed to hear – and who threw it all away for a _relationship_ that pales in comparison? I already know that. And I'm only slowly beginning to realise how much I hurt Brian. How badly I wronged him. Cause Mikey was right. Brian loved me, I just didn't want to see it. I thought I deserved stupid declarations – like those Ethan dishes out almost constantly – and didn't understand how close Brian allowed me to get. How deep his feelings ran. I couldn't see it...   
  
After the bashing, after he didn't visit me even once, I felt like such a loser. I was clinging to him, needed him to give me the strength and courage to go on. I was like a leech, sucking him dry. I dragged him into ... something ... something he never wanted, because I feared that without him... The thing is that I was fucking empty - save for the anger and hurt that seemed to follow me around. And I was so scared he would see that eventually... So I was clinging even more. Became needy, and whiny, and all the while I was convinced that I didn't deserve him. Mikey didn't help. He planted a doubt that nothing, not even Brian agreeing to my rules, could rip out.   
  
By the time my birthday rolled around I'd given up. I'd accepted my role in the great scheme of things. I'd accepted that I was simply the little twink the great Brian Kinney kept around for those times when he didn't want to go out looking for a fuck. And his _lovely_ birthday present... Then there was the cancelled trip to Vermont, and ... I didn't even try to listen to either Brian or Mikey and their explanations. Cause I'd convinced myself that Brian never ever gave a shit about me. And then there was Ethan. The biggest fucking mistake of my pathetic stupid life. Far too big for a _please forgive me_.   
  
I remember the night I came home and Brian was waiting for me in the dark. That kiss... Even a blind man would have seen the hurt, the pain that was pouring off Brian. I didn't. I only heard his words – _You stink!_ – and I knew. It's odd how even then, even when his feelings were so painfully obvious, I turned a blind eye. How I didn't see that he was putting my happiness before his own... That's why he made me leave, tearing out his heart in the process. But mine as well. It shattered into a million pieces when I turned to leave with Ethan on the night of the _Rage_ party. And again when I ran from him after _that_ kiss... After he drove me home... And today when he walked down the street with Michael...   
  
I know it would be fucking easy to put it back together. Brian seems to be more than willing to forget what I did to him. To us. He'd been giving me hints that even I couldn't miss. And that last thing... To leave a potential trick behind ... for me. He did that for me! Because I'm more important to him than a quick fuck. He put me first. And wasn't that one of the things I craved? But I couldn't ... couldn't let him touch me ... cause I knew I'd be ... I wouldn't be able to resist him if he... So I bolted. Because I can't do that to him again. And as hard as it is for me, I have to stay away. Make it easy for him.   
  
Of course, Em got me thinking. Made me question my plan to never be near Brian again. Em told me that _God-Stud Kinney_ had been absent from his usual haunts for a whole week, and Em hadn't heard of any new club or bath or whatever, so... I remarked that there was still the _order online sex_ to be had, but Emmett just shook his head. I didn't allow myself to ponder what it might mean. Until Em gave me that CD, and... I was tempted. I was... For about five seconds. Then I remembered what a total shit I'd been. Brian will get over it. He has his friends to support him, and I somehow got the impression that Mel and Linz have something up their sleeve as well, so... Yes, his friends will be there for him.   
  
Or so I tell myself for about a week until the shit hits the fan and none of his _friends_ seem to be willing to do anything. Okay, that's not really fair, cause they probably don't even know... But still! Anyway, I'm at Deb's to pick up some stuff she's giving Ethan and me for _safekeeping_ – it's about noon, so there's no way that Brian might stop by – when Deb's new detective boyfriend shows up. And for a moment I think my hearing's for shit as well now, and maybe I should have it looked at... Brian – a child molester?! No fucking way! Least of all with his own nephew. 'No... You're the only _child_ he ever laid hands on. And you want a repeat performance, don't you?' Fuck!   
  
Brian's in deep shit, I don't need to hear Detective Horvath's explanations to know that. I mean, little John is a good Christian, right? And Brian is just the evil fag. The abomination. Fuck it all. Deb looks fucking shaken, and so does Vic, but... Do they actually believe Brian could do something like this? 'I guess it's up to you to help him. Though I've to say that Ethan won't be too happy...' Well, fuck him! Oh shit! Did I really just think that? 'You did, indeed. Face it, Taylor, you'd do everything for Brian. But what would you do for your _boyfriend_?' Doesn't matter. It's not what I'd do now, it's what I did back then... Besides, I only want to help a friend. 'And since when do you hide from your friends?' Since I've become a pathetic, cheating and lying shit.   
  
But that's not going to stop me from helping Brian, and if it's the last thing I'll ever do. So I pry every last bit of information out of the detective, and then Deb mentions something she overheard at the diner. Something about an arcade that little brat goes to after school. While Claire thinks he's at choir practice. An arcade ... probably close to his school... It doesn't take me long to find the right one. And that little asshole... That treacherous little asshole has the guts to... After he stole Brian's cowry-shell bracelet...   
  
That bracelet was one of the things I came to connect with Brian already during the first few weeks that I knew him. He bought it on his first ever real vacation, down in Mexico, and there's no way in Hell that he'd give it away. Least of all to his _precious_ nephew. I'm running on adrenaline as I rush back to Deb's, and the detective's still there... And then we're at Claire's, and I have to say that it's really funny to see how quickly _sweet little John_ caves once the truth is out. It's a miracle that he and Brian are related at all. Brian's so unbelievably strong – despite what he thinks – and the rest of his so-called family... They have no backbone to speak of. For some reason it's that thought that makes me ... almost pity Claire. They had the same shitty childhood, but Brian made something of himself. She, on the other hand...   
  
Deb looks like she's this close to giving Claire a piece of her mind, but miraculously she keeps her mouth shut for once. Well, except for the "shame on you", but fuck, they deserve that. My ears were fucking ringing anyway when John said what he'd been told about Brian. It's like listening to Dad. But then again it's so much worse, cause Brian's their family... That's not what they perceive him as, though. At best he's their wallet, at worst ... a sick pervert. He's still unwanted, unloved...   
  
Somehow that thought practically forces me to turn back to Claire when we're about to leave. "I know you think I'm just a godforsaken faggot like Brian, or maybe you even pity me cause big, bad Brian made me leave God's path... But you know something? Brian's one of the most generous people I've ever known. Yeah, he can be a total asshole, but he'll always come through for those he considers his family." She stares at me, and I swear I can see a lone tear running down her cheek. "Think about it, Claire..."   
  
Shit. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. But I just... "I'm so fucking proud of you, Sunshine!" Deb's bone-breaking hug knocks the air right out of me. However, just before I can pass out, she lets me go, that proud Deb-smile plastered all over her face. Then she reaches for my hand, and... "You should give it to Brian. You're the one who saved his ass, after all..." I want to argue. Want to tell her that this is really not a good idea, but she just kisses my cheek. "He's lucky to have you ... on his side." The pause is short, but still long enough for me to get her real meaning. And she's fucking right there, too. Brian will always _have_ me. He claimed me that first night, and even if he tried, he could never set me free. Not completely. So in a way Ethan... He's only got that tiny part of me I still had to give. 'And that will never be enough, you know that.'   
  
Fuck! And I know it's asking for trouble to go to Brian with these thoughts running amuck in my head, but I still find myself knocking on the door of the loft half-an-hour later. And it's this moment, this short moment, that marks the end... Something shifts, and all the things that had been so fucking messed up, somehow right themselves. But of course I don't notice anything. Because right then the door slides open...

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued in "Here by My Side".   
>   
>  Find me on Tumblr... [Eowyn's Musings](http://eowynsmusings.tumblr.com/). I know, the name's a big surprise :P


End file.
